Immeasurably More

It’s been a year since I last posted a blog.  So much has happened that I just wanted to share the amazing gift God gave us over 9 months ago.  On May 7, 2014 Steve and I had our dreams come true when our adopted son, Nolan was born at a hospital in Conroe, TX. Our story is unlike any I have ever heard and people are always shocked when we share it with them. God is still in the miracle business and our family is proof of that. 

Steve and I had always hoped that God would give us the opportunity to adopt even if we were able to conceive of our own.  For two years we had been researching adoption and began collecting paperwork from various agencies and making informational phone calls to find out what we could.  We talked with several friends that had adopted or were currently on waiting lists with an agency. What we concluded from our research was that adoption was going to be another emotional and lengthy process just like the 8 years of infertility had been.  Not to mention it was going to be expensive! We began coming up with our own plan to save and submit paperwork in the next 1-2 years.  But God had his own adoption plan for us and we continue to be humbled by this precious life God has put into our arms and care. 

I can’t remember the exact day in February 2014 I received phone calls from dear friends that were instrumental in our adoption.  I will forever be grateful for God’s divine appointments and friend connections he puts in our lives.  Shortly after those calls we began contact with the birth family through emails that graduated to texts and phone calls.  Then we were able to fly to Texas and meet this incredible family face to face. When we were flying home Steve and I felt like we had just visited family of our own flesh and blood due to the similarities in personality.  We felt completely at ease and were genuinely sad to say goodbye and fly home.  From that meeting on it was a whirlwind of emotions and God directed every step of our adoption journey.

In Ephesians 3:20 it says, “He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us.” That scripture has become so dear to me over the last year and weeks before Nolan’s birth.  The first moment I saw Nolan’s face and held him in my arms I had just a small glimpse of God’s love for me.  As much as my heart swelled on May 7, 2014 and continues to swell more every day with love for Nolan it does not compare to how God feels about us, His children.   All the prayers I had prayed over the years and tears I cried God had heard and seen each one.  I had no idea the plan He had for my life during that waiting period would be “immeasurably more” than I could have ever dreamed or imagined. 

Every obstacle we had to face before we met our baby were quickly resolved.  In less than 3 months we were able to complete the pre-adoption paperwork, home study and get our nursery together.  Our friends and family poured out so much love and support and gave generously to our adoption fund.  Customers from our bakery, strangers, pastors all over NC and even students in our youth ministry years ago who were now adults gave.  On top of the financial giving we were blessed abundantly with baby gifts and gently used baby items that we desperately needed.  Again God was doing “immeasurably more” than I ever dreamed or asked for.  He wasn’t just going to give me the desire of my heart to become a mother, he was going meet every need along the way. We were going to have the opportunity to privately adopt a new born baby.  If that wasn’t enough of a miracle in itself, the birth family was going to allow us to be present for his birth in the hospital. And again God doing the “immeasurably more” I was able to be in the room for the C-section. I got to hold hands and pray with the birth grandmother and mother and witness the miracle of life first hand. I will cherish those surreal moments for the rest of my life.  But wait there’s still more! Our family was extended not just by our son but we also gained his birth family as our own. We will never be able to say thank you enough to a courageous mother and selfless grandparents that gave us our son. What a joy and blessing it is to be able to share pictures and updates with them.  

Now 9 months later Steve and I find ourselves still in shock that we are Nolan’s parents.  Every day one or both of us asks the same questions over and over, “How did we get so lucky?” Maybe you are praying for a miracle baby of your own and are feeling like I did not so long ago that God isn’t listening.  You feel so close to giving up because the pain and bitterness of disappointment have taken its toll on you.  I want to encourage you to not give up.  God is still in the miracle business.  You may not see the answer to your prayers today but He is handcrafting his own plan.  He has the perfect child in mind for you.  I still cry a lot now that we have Nolan but for a different reason.  I often think about what my life would have been like if God had answered my prayers years ago to have a baby.  I could have missed out on being a mom to the sweetest, smartest and most handsome boy I have ever known. When I think that someone else could be raising Nolan my heart aches and I am reminded how truly blessed and thankful I am.  God was using that waiting season to prepare Steve and I for His perfect plan.  God’s plan and timing is ALWAYS best.  Your miracle may be delayed but don’t doubt for a second that it is not in progress.  God is always at work and doing immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. 

My Hubby Valentine

It's hard during the holidays not to notice cutesy kid things everywhere.  Right now it's the week of Valentine's Day and kiddo love is all around.  From adorable cards for classmates to baby awwww inducing heart covered onesies.  It's enough to make any woman's maternal instincts kick into overdrive.  I may not have little ones to make heart crafts and goodies with but I am still a very blessed woman. I have the best valentine in the world, my husband.  We have been through so much since we have been married and I am so glad he is my partner in crime.  In this entry I want to give you a few tips we've learned along the way that have helped strengthen our relationship when dealing with infertility and tough times in general.  I would love to receive advice and tips from any of you as well.  Please feel free to leave them in the comment section.  

1. Be a team. Infertility can cause you to become isolated from everyone around you and your spouse is no exception.  Because the infertility falls to my biological makeup I tend to personalize it in our marriage.  I feel that because I am the one getting most of the tests and treatments that it's my burden to bear.  It's not.  He is going through all the same emotions and affects of infertility as I am. You can spend extra energy playing a blame game or who has it worse but unfortunately infertility leaves the scoreboard tied.  You both are suffering a loss.

Steve and I have had to learn to work together in all aspects of our life.  In ministry and owning our own business we have had to learn to be a team.  Since we opened the bakery we are still striving to balance each other when dealing with stress and difficult times.  There are days that I am sad and he just listens to me and tries his best to comfort me.  Validation of feelings does wonders for grief.  Steve knows he doesn't have to always have a solution that I just need to talk it out.  Then there are days that he is so stressed and overwhelmed at work that it's my turn to be his cheerleader.  To tell him how proud I am of him and tell him to keep going. We have to keep communication open with each other and be willing to be honest and share our fears, frustrations and desires.  It's ok to tell your spouse how you are feeling and to tell them what you need from them too.  If it's a situation we can fix then we strive to and if is something we can't we know we are in it together no matter the outcome.

So what about the days you both may be down, stressed or let's be honest angry with the lot you've been dealt.  Then those are the times you choose to do something together to get you out of the fog.  Plan a trip, go see a funny movie, take a walk outside or even take a nap.  Depression and stress can exhaust you and sometimes the two of you just need sleep. I am also a huge fan of going to see a counselor.  Counseling is a good thing for any marriage at any stage.  The point is to do it together.  Don't leave your partner behind.  Remember God paired you with your spouse because you were better together than you would ever be apart.

2. Never stop communicating.  It is always a great idea to keep your communication open about infertility treatments and goals/plans but be sure that's not all you talk about.  Set a time limit. Maybe it's once a week you have the conversation about it.  Do a weekly check-up of where you are in pursuing a family and what your next step is.  There were seasons where are emotions were so raw that it was a once a month discussion.  I just want to encourage you to talk about other things.  You may not be having fertility issues but just in an "off" season where you don't seem to be connecting with your spouse.  In any marriage we can get wrapped up into talking about work, schedules, family problems, financial worries and so much more you forget to talk about intimate things.  It becomes harder to have the kind of conversations you had when you were dating when neither one of you wanted to hang up the phone or say goodbye after a date.  Take the time to talk and pursue each other.  If anything I have learned in almost ten years of marriage there is still so much to learn about my husband.  When we are in the car together for long periods of time I like to ask him about all the years of his life before me.  I love when I get opportunities to just pick his brain about his childhood, life, politics, God stuff and more.  We often try to reminisce on how and when we knew we loved each other or how we first met.  Walks down memory lane are great for your relationship.  We all need to be reminded of the reasons we fell in love and allow ourselves to find more reasons we continue to fall in love with them every day. The next time you know that you are going to have your spouse's undivided attention for 10 minutes or more come up with some questions to ask each other.  You don't have to do them all in one sitting you can do 2 or 3 at a time and then store the others up for a date night or road trip.  Here are just a few examples:

-Name one significant childhood memory of your mom and/or dad.
-What was the worst job you had as a teenager/college student?
-Who was your favorite teacher and why?
-If you could be a super hero what would your super power be and why?
-If there was one thing you could go back in time and change what would it be?
-If $ were no obstacle what would your dream job/house/life look like?
-What was your favorite board game or sport to play as a child?
-What was your most embarrassing moment growing up?

3.  Don't sweat the small stuff! Sometimes it's a gradual process where I start to fixate on things. In my constant quest for control (since I can't control my fertility) I begin to look at situations and people around me.  I become frustrated, easily angered, jealous and let me just be honest I turn into a bitter, barren shrew.  And just like in all situations in life we tend to deal with difficult situations by lashing out the ones we love the most.  Unfortunately, Steve is the regular victim of this alternate personality of mine. When facing the urge to get upset over the socks being left on the floor or the empty toilet roll being left on the holder take a minute before becoming the wicked witch of domestics.  The best advice my mother gave me when I first got married was not to sweat the small stuff.  At the time those socks and that toilet paper doesn't seem small but in the overall grand scheme of love and marriage it is.  Part of this advice from my mom was also to stop criticizing and think about all the reasons you love your husband.  Does he show you he loves you?  Does he provide for you and your family?  What are the qualities about him that you admire?  Even recently God has been dealing with my heart on getting frustrated with the small things.  When picking up the house I am praising God that I have a house to clean and husband who loves me.  I am thankful that I have a hard working man that is a provider who helps buy that toilet paper and those socks.  It's all about perspective.  I also try to focus on the fact that Steve still comes home to me every night after 10 years of putting up with my ever-changing, hormone induced mood swings which makes me the lucky one.  He loves me despite my failings and character flaws and he deserves the same grace and forgiveness in return.

Recognize that infertility or pain can and will funnel its way into every facet of your life.  The anger and frustration you may feel over something someone did or said (or the socks) can be amplified because of the hardship you are going through.  You are prone to super sensitivity during this time whether it's medication induced or bad decisions of those around you. As always in life we can't control what happens to us but we can always control how we deal with it and respond.  Don't fall into the trap of being critical when dealing with your pain.  Hurt people have a tendency to hurt people so make the decision not to be a villain especially when it comes to your spouse.  I know that Steve is dealing with his own hurt whether he shows it or not and I don't need to be an additional source of pain.

4. Connect physically on a daily basis.  Sex is a very important part of marriage and is a gift from God for us to share with our spouse but that is not the connection I am referring to.  I am talking about physically connecting with each other daily through a hug, a kiss, a back scratch, holding each other's hands, or even sitting close to each other.   Again we all live such busy lives that it is easy to get wrapped up in the going that we forget to make contact with our spouse.  Never underestimate the healing power of a hug.  I know as a woman I have a great need to feel secure and to know that my husband finds me attractive.  Prioritizing affection is a way to help meet those needs regularly and most (if not all) men want to feel needed physically as well.  Looking back on the hardest times of our marriage when we were off track I can identify the first disconnect began when we stopped touching each other.  We have always worked more than one job since we've known each other and it's common for us to even in our down time to be working on our computers or coming up with ways to advance our business.  Steve and I started going to bed early not to sleep (stay with me now I'm not getting weird) but to give us the chance to disconnect from work, social media & all electrical devices and just focus on each other.  Sometimes it's our time to talk and catch up from the day but most times it's just to snuggle for a few minutes before slipping into a coma.  Now I know if you have kids what you are saying, "That just isn't possible for us because of the kids." One of my former bosses told me years ago that he and his wife put their 3 children to bed between 7 & 7:30 PM through elementary school.  Not because their kids needed the extra sleep but they needed that time to connect as husband and wife.  Even if it was to watch TV together on the same couch and pass out.  It wasn't always possible for that to happen but it was a daily goal of theirs.  As your children get older I am sure you will have even more of a challenge. If you have any suggestions of your own please feel free to leave them in the comment section so I can store them away for the future!

Thank you for reading this post and I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day!

Shout Louder!

Matthew 20:29-34  Two Blind Men Receive Sight

29  As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. 

30 Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!”

31 The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!”

32 Jesus stopped and called them. “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked.

33 “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.”

34  Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

Steve recently preached out of this passage and it has really stuck with me lately.  This story is one of many that shows the compassion Jesus has for all of us.   The blind men were sitting outside the city gate because they weren’t necessarily welcomed in because of their condition.  When they heard that Jesus was near they began to shout.  They were desperate and pleading for a miracle.  I envision these two men asking the people around them where is he and asking them to direct them how to get close to Jesus.  It would not have been an easy task and I would imagine frustrating. Being blind-I am sure they had to keep their ears open for every sound so they wouldn't lose track of Him. They were bold, persistent and loud.  Even after shouting the crowd tried to silence them they chose to shout louder.  Not only were these two blind men determined for Jesus to hear their shouts they were expectant of Him to heal them.  They were intentional in their their prayer and knew what they wanted-their sight. I love that these men didn’t waste time with many words but got straight to the point. 

Jesus did the same thing when he stopped and asked “What do you want me to do for you?”  Jesus asked the question that had an obvious answer.  He could see that these men were blind, but he wanted them to state their request.  Jesus wanted these men to specifically ask what they desired to show their faith and what they were believing He could do.  This is still true today and although God knows our every need and desire we have before we speak it, He still instructs us to articulate specific requests.  In Thessalonians 5:17 He tells us to “pray without ceasing.”  In Philippians 4:6 we are told “...present your requests to God.”  In Mark 11:24 Jesus says “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Going back to the crowd trying to hush these two blind men I started thinking about what could have happened to them.  I imagine them telling these men things like “SSSSHHHHH you are embarrassing yourself!”  or “Jesus has more important things to do than to pay attention to you!”  Maybe there were even people in the crowd that told the two blind men that Jesus couldn’t or wouldn’t heal them.  What if these men would have listened?  Would they have been healed that day?  Or would they have spent the rest of their days being outcasts and begging in the streets for hand outs?  

I feel like there are seasons in my life that I have allowed the crowd to silence me.  Not just in the past 8 years praying for a miracle through infertility but in other areas of my life.  The times I have allowed the crowd in my head which were words directly from the enemy telling me to be quiet.  The voices that say “You’ve prayed for so long and it hasn’t happened so it never will” or to just give up altogether.  I don’t want to listen to the crowd any more.  I want to cry out to God to heal me and when it doesn’t happen I’m going to shout louder!  God is still the same God that healed the blind, raised the dead and so much more.  He isn’t limited to the stories and time frames of the Bible. God is still able to reconcile your marriage, heal you from cancer and even improve your financial situation. He is still the same today and wants to answer our prayers and give us the desires of our heart.  The bible is full of scriptures that promise us this.  

No matter what you are going through today and what you are believing God to do in your life don’t give up.  Shout to God and when the enemy comes in or even the people around you to discourage you or silence you SHOUT LOUDER! Be specific in your requests and what you are asking of Him to do in your life. Shout your requests to God but also believe that He will answer you.  Keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting because your miracle is on the way.  When your prayer is finally answered you be able to look back on this season and see all the victories in your life because you didn’t give up and God was faithful.