My Hubby Valentine

It's hard during the holidays not to notice cutesy kid things everywhere.  Right now it's the week of Valentine's Day and kiddo love is all around.  From adorable cards for classmates to baby awwww inducing heart covered onesies.  It's enough to make any woman's maternal instincts kick into overdrive.  I may not have little ones to make heart crafts and goodies with but I am still a very blessed woman. I have the best valentine in the world, my husband.  We have been through so much since we have been married and I am so glad he is my partner in crime.  In this entry I want to give you a few tips we've learned along the way that have helped strengthen our relationship when dealing with infertility and tough times in general.  I would love to receive advice and tips from any of you as well.  Please feel free to leave them in the comment section.  

1. Be a team. Infertility can cause you to become isolated from everyone around you and your spouse is no exception.  Because the infertility falls to my biological makeup I tend to personalize it in our marriage.  I feel that because I am the one getting most of the tests and treatments that it's my burden to bear.  It's not.  He is going through all the same emotions and affects of infertility as I am. You can spend extra energy playing a blame game or who has it worse but unfortunately infertility leaves the scoreboard tied.  You both are suffering a loss.

Steve and I have had to learn to work together in all aspects of our life.  In ministry and owning our own business we have had to learn to be a team.  Since we opened the bakery we are still striving to balance each other when dealing with stress and difficult times.  There are days that I am sad and he just listens to me and tries his best to comfort me.  Validation of feelings does wonders for grief.  Steve knows he doesn't have to always have a solution that I just need to talk it out.  Then there are days that he is so stressed and overwhelmed at work that it's my turn to be his cheerleader.  To tell him how proud I am of him and tell him to keep going. We have to keep communication open with each other and be willing to be honest and share our fears, frustrations and desires.  It's ok to tell your spouse how you are feeling and to tell them what you need from them too.  If it's a situation we can fix then we strive to and if is something we can't we know we are in it together no matter the outcome.

So what about the days you both may be down, stressed or let's be honest angry with the lot you've been dealt.  Then those are the times you choose to do something together to get you out of the fog.  Plan a trip, go see a funny movie, take a walk outside or even take a nap.  Depression and stress can exhaust you and sometimes the two of you just need sleep. I am also a huge fan of going to see a counselor.  Counseling is a good thing for any marriage at any stage.  The point is to do it together.  Don't leave your partner behind.  Remember God paired you with your spouse because you were better together than you would ever be apart.

2. Never stop communicating.  It is always a great idea to keep your communication open about infertility treatments and goals/plans but be sure that's not all you talk about.  Set a time limit. Maybe it's once a week you have the conversation about it.  Do a weekly check-up of where you are in pursuing a family and what your next step is.  There were seasons where are emotions were so raw that it was a once a month discussion.  I just want to encourage you to talk about other things.  You may not be having fertility issues but just in an "off" season where you don't seem to be connecting with your spouse.  In any marriage we can get wrapped up into talking about work, schedules, family problems, financial worries and so much more you forget to talk about intimate things.  It becomes harder to have the kind of conversations you had when you were dating when neither one of you wanted to hang up the phone or say goodbye after a date.  Take the time to talk and pursue each other.  If anything I have learned in almost ten years of marriage there is still so much to learn about my husband.  When we are in the car together for long periods of time I like to ask him about all the years of his life before me.  I love when I get opportunities to just pick his brain about his childhood, life, politics, God stuff and more.  We often try to reminisce on how and when we knew we loved each other or how we first met.  Walks down memory lane are great for your relationship.  We all need to be reminded of the reasons we fell in love and allow ourselves to find more reasons we continue to fall in love with them every day. The next time you know that you are going to have your spouse's undivided attention for 10 minutes or more come up with some questions to ask each other.  You don't have to do them all in one sitting you can do 2 or 3 at a time and then store the others up for a date night or road trip.  Here are just a few examples:

-Name one significant childhood memory of your mom and/or dad.
-What was the worst job you had as a teenager/college student?
-Who was your favorite teacher and why?
-If you could be a super hero what would your super power be and why?
-If there was one thing you could go back in time and change what would it be?
-If $ were no obstacle what would your dream job/house/life look like?
-What was your favorite board game or sport to play as a child?
-What was your most embarrassing moment growing up?

3.  Don't sweat the small stuff! Sometimes it's a gradual process where I start to fixate on things. In my constant quest for control (since I can't control my fertility) I begin to look at situations and people around me.  I become frustrated, easily angered, jealous and let me just be honest I turn into a bitter, barren shrew.  And just like in all situations in life we tend to deal with difficult situations by lashing out the ones we love the most.  Unfortunately, Steve is the regular victim of this alternate personality of mine. When facing the urge to get upset over the socks being left on the floor or the empty toilet roll being left on the holder take a minute before becoming the wicked witch of domestics.  The best advice my mother gave me when I first got married was not to sweat the small stuff.  At the time those socks and that toilet paper doesn't seem small but in the overall grand scheme of love and marriage it is.  Part of this advice from my mom was also to stop criticizing and think about all the reasons you love your husband.  Does he show you he loves you?  Does he provide for you and your family?  What are the qualities about him that you admire?  Even recently God has been dealing with my heart on getting frustrated with the small things.  When picking up the house I am praising God that I have a house to clean and husband who loves me.  I am thankful that I have a hard working man that is a provider who helps buy that toilet paper and those socks.  It's all about perspective.  I also try to focus on the fact that Steve still comes home to me every night after 10 years of putting up with my ever-changing, hormone induced mood swings which makes me the lucky one.  He loves me despite my failings and character flaws and he deserves the same grace and forgiveness in return.

Recognize that infertility or pain can and will funnel its way into every facet of your life.  The anger and frustration you may feel over something someone did or said (or the socks) can be amplified because of the hardship you are going through.  You are prone to super sensitivity during this time whether it's medication induced or bad decisions of those around you. As always in life we can't control what happens to us but we can always control how we deal with it and respond.  Don't fall into the trap of being critical when dealing with your pain.  Hurt people have a tendency to hurt people so make the decision not to be a villain especially when it comes to your spouse.  I know that Steve is dealing with his own hurt whether he shows it or not and I don't need to be an additional source of pain.

4. Connect physically on a daily basis.  Sex is a very important part of marriage and is a gift from God for us to share with our spouse but that is not the connection I am referring to.  I am talking about physically connecting with each other daily through a hug, a kiss, a back scratch, holding each other's hands, or even sitting close to each other.   Again we all live such busy lives that it is easy to get wrapped up in the going that we forget to make contact with our spouse.  Never underestimate the healing power of a hug.  I know as a woman I have a great need to feel secure and to know that my husband finds me attractive.  Prioritizing affection is a way to help meet those needs regularly and most (if not all) men want to feel needed physically as well.  Looking back on the hardest times of our marriage when we were off track I can identify the first disconnect began when we stopped touching each other.  We have always worked more than one job since we've known each other and it's common for us to even in our down time to be working on our computers or coming up with ways to advance our business.  Steve and I started going to bed early not to sleep (stay with me now I'm not getting weird) but to give us the chance to disconnect from work, social media & all electrical devices and just focus on each other.  Sometimes it's our time to talk and catch up from the day but most times it's just to snuggle for a few minutes before slipping into a coma.  Now I know if you have kids what you are saying, "That just isn't possible for us because of the kids." One of my former bosses told me years ago that he and his wife put their 3 children to bed between 7 & 7:30 PM through elementary school.  Not because their kids needed the extra sleep but they needed that time to connect as husband and wife.  Even if it was to watch TV together on the same couch and pass out.  It wasn't always possible for that to happen but it was a daily goal of theirs.  As your children get older I am sure you will have even more of a challenge. If you have any suggestions of your own please feel free to leave them in the comment section so I can store them away for the future!

Thank you for reading this post and I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day!