Shout Louder!

Matthew 20:29-34  Two Blind Men Receive Sight

29  As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. 

30 Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!”

31 The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!”

32 Jesus stopped and called them. “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked.

33 “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.”

34  Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

Steve recently preached out of this passage and it has really stuck with me lately.  This story is one of many that shows the compassion Jesus has for all of us.   The blind men were sitting outside the city gate because they weren’t necessarily welcomed in because of their condition.  When they heard that Jesus was near they began to shout.  They were desperate and pleading for a miracle.  I envision these two men asking the people around them where is he and asking them to direct them how to get close to Jesus.  It would not have been an easy task and I would imagine frustrating. Being blind-I am sure they had to keep their ears open for every sound so they wouldn't lose track of Him. They were bold, persistent and loud.  Even after shouting the crowd tried to silence them they chose to shout louder.  Not only were these two blind men determined for Jesus to hear their shouts they were expectant of Him to heal them.  They were intentional in their their prayer and knew what they wanted-their sight. I love that these men didn’t waste time with many words but got straight to the point. 

Jesus did the same thing when he stopped and asked “What do you want me to do for you?”  Jesus asked the question that had an obvious answer.  He could see that these men were blind, but he wanted them to state their request.  Jesus wanted these men to specifically ask what they desired to show their faith and what they were believing He could do.  This is still true today and although God knows our every need and desire we have before we speak it, He still instructs us to articulate specific requests.  In Thessalonians 5:17 He tells us to “pray without ceasing.”  In Philippians 4:6 we are told “...present your requests to God.”  In Mark 11:24 Jesus says “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Going back to the crowd trying to hush these two blind men I started thinking about what could have happened to them.  I imagine them telling these men things like “SSSSHHHHH you are embarrassing yourself!”  or “Jesus has more important things to do than to pay attention to you!”  Maybe there were even people in the crowd that told the two blind men that Jesus couldn’t or wouldn’t heal them.  What if these men would have listened?  Would they have been healed that day?  Or would they have spent the rest of their days being outcasts and begging in the streets for hand outs?  

I feel like there are seasons in my life that I have allowed the crowd to silence me.  Not just in the past 8 years praying for a miracle through infertility but in other areas of my life.  The times I have allowed the crowd in my head which were words directly from the enemy telling me to be quiet.  The voices that say “You’ve prayed for so long and it hasn’t happened so it never will” or to just give up altogether.  I don’t want to listen to the crowd any more.  I want to cry out to God to heal me and when it doesn’t happen I’m going to shout louder!  God is still the same God that healed the blind, raised the dead and so much more.  He isn’t limited to the stories and time frames of the Bible. God is still able to reconcile your marriage, heal you from cancer and even improve your financial situation. He is still the same today and wants to answer our prayers and give us the desires of our heart.  The bible is full of scriptures that promise us this.  

No matter what you are going through today and what you are believing God to do in your life don’t give up.  Shout to God and when the enemy comes in or even the people around you to discourage you or silence you SHOUT LOUDER! Be specific in your requests and what you are asking of Him to do in your life. Shout your requests to God but also believe that He will answer you.  Keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting because your miracle is on the way.  When your prayer is finally answered you be able to look back on this season and see all the victories in your life because you didn’t give up and God was faithful.  

Don't press pause

The waiting game of infertility.  You’re living life in slow motion waiting for test results, ovulation, various treatments, to start the cycle over...more waiting. In the beginning of infertility you are on a quest to find out any and all information you can find as you should.  You need to educate yourself and find out all of your options.  However, it can quickly become an obsession. You can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t talk about or do anything else. It’s like you're frozen.  Your dreams of a baby are on hold for an indefinite amount of time but your life isn’t. Doing these things can help you keep living no matter what the outcome this journey will be:

Dream. I encourage you to dream.  Our lives are made up of dreams, wishes and expectations.  Before you began this quest for a baby you had other dreams.  Whether it was to travel, get various college degrees, learn to speak another language, become a rapper...something.  Now is the time to make those dreams come true and even create some new ones.

Travel. Travel as much and as often as you can.  I know with the ever rising costs of fertility treatments or if you are saving money for adoption your vacation options are limited.  Get away with your spouse even if it’s a Priceline hotel special an hour away from where you live.  Take a car ride-see the giant ball of twine in Kansas, largest ketchup bottle in Illinois or tallest filing cabinet in Vermont.  Sometimes it’s just good to get away even if it’s just for the day with your spouse or a group of friends.  One unforgettable trip Steve and I took was with three other married couples for White Water Rafting. We all had a limited budget so we found a campsite that had cabins where you could stay for $8 a person per night.  Now it was VERY rustic and looked like it was a set from a horror movie.  It was isolated and deep in the woods and each room consisted of bunk beds.  The bathroom was an outhouse a good 5 minute walk from the cabin and when night came it was dark and the woods were full of noises.  It was so scary that we ended up sharing a room with one of the couples who are very close and dear friends.  We survived the night and our fear by laughing and talking.  The next day we went white water rafting and drove home.  That is by far one of the most fun times in my life and it barely cost $100 for the two of us. 

Learn. Learn something new. We took a much needed break from fertility treatments four years ago.  Infertility had done some serious damage to us emotionally, worn us out physically and our marriage was on the fragile side because we had also taken a break from ministry.  I needed another coping mechanism so I signed up for a few classes at a community college that fit with my work schedule.  I can’t tell you what a great distraction it was during that time.  I couldn’t control when and how I could get pregnant but I could control whether I could get an A on an assignment or an F.  I couldn’t control the sadness and disappointment Steve and I felt but I could control what I was learning.  I would be thrilled each time I made a good grade. It made me feel like a normal human being.  I could blend in for a little while too with my pain undetected. It also allowed me to meet new people and I'm being candid in admitting it was good to have shallow friendships with people where my fertility didn’t come into conversation.  It kept me from being completely isolated but distant enough to feel secure. Then regaining the excitement of learning was also another emotional boost.  We should always challenge ourselves to learn new things, read books and keep growing. 

Create.  What are your hobbies and interests? Don’t have any?  Get some!  The world of Pinterest and Youtube tutorials has opened up so many doors for the non-crafty that anyone can make a milk carton into a pirate ship or something like that.  I love to draw and paint.  The nights that I am having a hard time sleeping or need something to do other than worry I like to get artsy-craftsy.  I love this quote by Joss Whedon:

Just create something. If you are good at something like jewelry, knitting or pottery I would even encourage you to think about selling it.  You could set up an Etsy shop because again fertility treatments and adoption ain't cheap!  That is how the bakery began for us as an additional source of income for that very reason.  You will be surprised how healing it can be to create or finish something.  You don't have to make crafts or some museum worthy art piece.  You can learn to cook or bake better. Start keeping a journal, taking pictures of cats, run a marathon or even a DIY home improvement project. A few years ago some friends and I trained and ran a 5k. I am not athletic nor had I ever ran before so to say it was hard is putting it lightly. But the feeling I felt crossing the finish line with my friends was indescribable. I was able to cross something off my bucket list. The sense of accomplishment you'll get when completing projects will help ease the anxiety of waiting.  

One of my all time favorite quotes is “It’s never too late to become what you might have been.”  It’s never too late for us to dream.  Make a list right now if you haven’t already of non-baby related goals for this year or your life long bucket list. I’m not saying give up or get distracted from fertility treatments just have other focuses too. When you finally receive your answer to prayers you won’t always (or ever) have the time to go after certain dreams.  Not that you’ll mind the sacrifice! And if you never have children of your own, you will still have a life full of photos, memories, friendships and accomplishments that many others never have.  You’re hopes of having a family are on on pause but you life isn’t.  Go live. Stop reading this blog and do something!

You are enough

Infertility: the state of being unable to produce offspring.  There is the definition but there is so much more to it.  I will be sharing the many facets of infertility in the future but today I am going to focus on one. Infertility: the assassinator of self worth and identity.  

I started having medical problems my freshmen year of college. Keeping the details brief I became very anemic and was constantly catching every bug and flu around campus. My mom began taking me to the doctor and I had a lot of tests run, cancer scares but it came down to my reproductive system.  At 19 I was officially diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. By age 21 I had to have my right ovary removed because of complications related to PCOS.  It was then when my doctor starting sharing with me harsh realities.  Getting pregnant would be very complicated-not impossible but would be challenging.  Not being married or in a serious relationship at the time I just tried to put it out of my mind. I turned my attention in other places-ministry, traveling, college, etc.  It wasn’t until I met my husband, Steve in 2003 that it started sinking in.  When you marry someone you marry all of them-who they are and will be, their family, their income/debt, their emotional and physical health. So of course there came a time for me to come clean.  I wanted him to know about the possibility of us not being able to have children of our own.  I didn’t know how he would respond. God showed me that day and every day since then-Steve is the perfect man for me.  He listened to me and let me talk it all out and then gave me the best response.  He said without hesitation, “You are enough.” Steve has repeated it many times to me in our almost 10 years of marriage. Like when I feel not only the disappointment of my own each time we fail to conceive but his as well.  Or when I feel that I am responsible for robbing Steve of having a full life and experiencing fatherhood I have to remember that I am enough for Steve. If there is anything you need to grasp onto when facing fertility issues as that YOU ARE ENOUGH.  Your spouse married you because of YOU not because of your reproductive system.  They married your mind, your talents, your personality, sense of humor and so much more.  You were enough for them to want to spend the rest of their life with you...JUST YOU! Children are just a bonus but YOU ARE ENOUGH to your spouse. 

Infertility will try to strip you of your God given identities. As women we already struggle with self esteem issues regarding our looks but infertility will try to strip you of much more-your womanhood identity.  It undermines your femininity being unable to reproduce and achieve the most important role in life becoming a mother. But know that whether you are able to conceive on your own, adoption, by another means or have no children at all you are still ENOUGH.  You are still a beautiful woman that God created with His very hands and gave certain talents and abilities to you that no one else has. I know it is cliche but you ARE a daughter of a King. You were created with a purpose and are His artwork and craftsmanship. We must keep seeking God every day for our identity.  Whether you have just begun this journey into infertility or have been in it for the long haul keep seeking Him.  Let God speak life and love over you every day in your quiet times. If you aren’t keeping your quiet times DO IT!  You need God to breathe life into you every day. Instead of believing those voices in your head (which are just the enemy trying to steal, kill and destroy you)know that infertility doesn’t define you. God secured our identity long before we were even born. I love this passage found in Psalms 139:

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.  

God made no mistake when He created you.  You were worth Him sending His son to die on a cross for.  Jesus would have still died for you-only you. This is our hope when we feel unworthy that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We have value and identity because of the worth of Christ’s love for us. And that is what defines us. Remember that you are HIS beloved.  Every time you receive a negative report or pregnancy test you are still a child of God. That is your true identity.

Why Until Then?

 

Pain is inevitable in life.  Whether you have lost loved ones through death, suffered from illness,  or had something else very tragic happen to you there are seasons of enduring and coping.  There are the in between times where you are waiting for an answer to prayer or God's victory in your circumstances. This blog is for those very seasons.  The church doesn't always teach coping mechanisms for how to deal with pain in your life.  There seems to be a magic wand mentality where you are to just give your cares and concerns over to God and POOF all pain is vanquished.  This just isn't the case.  We tend to associate admitting our pain as a weakness or even a faith issue.  I admit to falling into this trap of thinking for many years.  As a pastor's wife I felt that I couldn't share my issues of infertility because it meant I didn't trust God enough to heal me.  How could I talk about what I was going through when I was supposed to be praying for and encouraging others in their own personal battles.  Although there are many scriptures in the Bible that talk about giving God your burdens, anxiety and pain there are others too that emphasize enduring. Some pain is temporary and those scriptures of "casting all your cares upon the Lord" are a necessity during those seasons.  But there is deep pain that may be endured that is not seasonal.  It's the kind that lasts for all of our days on this earth.  When someone close to you dies-a parent, a child, a sibling, a best friend there isn't a complete healing for the grief you suffer. The emptiness of their presence in your life is a constant. It isn't an injury that will heal or an illness that will be treated with prescription drugs. 

My husband and I have battled infertility for the past 8 years.  We long for a child of our own to share our life and love with.  It's a pain that is present every day.  Some days it's more intense than others.  We have endured medical testing, fertility drug treatments, pregnancy failures and miscarriage.  Although we are still trusting God for our miracle and even a complete healing in my body we are still in our waiting season.  We are in our "until then" time of seeking God and trusting Him with our future.

I hope this blog will help others who are in similar seasons of coping with pain. I hope it will ease anxiousness in the waiting process of finding hope and victory again in your situation. Life can be tough and the pain can even seem unbearable, but there is good news-our suffering is limited to this life. God has promised us eternal life where we will know no pain or fear. While facing your trials God is completing a work in you as we speak that you can not fathom. You may be at a point that you are thinking of giving up but I am encouraging you today that in Christ you can make it! I am challenging us all to press on-to finish our race as in 2 Timothy 4:7. Below are some of my favorite verses regarding enduring.  I encourage you to read through them and I pray that you find comfort and peace in any tough situation you may be facing today.

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

"For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him." Psalm 22:24

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13

9 Lives

I have been alive for a sum of 34 years.  God has given me incredible adventures in such a short time.  I have traveled all over the world, lived in Ireland, seen 48 of our 50 great states.  I have lived in large cities and small country towns. I have studied nursing, business administration and graphic design.  I love to draw, paint, bake, decorate, craft and missions work.  At age 25 I married a Pastor and life has never ceased to be amusing.  In our ten years together we have moved cities 4 times and been on staff at churches in every capacity. My husband has been the janitor, youth pastor, associate pastor, young adults pastor, worship pastor, principal of the church school and a lot of these roles all at the same time.  In 2011 we decided to take a break from ministry after 13+ years serving on staff.  We always dreamed of having our own business in the food industry. So we took a HUGE leap of faith and opened a bakery with a $50 Walmart gift card (I'm not kidding-we were broke) and have just now reached the 3rd year mark.  But recently God has called us back into ministry and we have taken a Lead Pastor position at a small church in Eastover, NC.  Oh and I left the part where I work full-time at the NC Assemblies of God District Office.  In my free time I do freelance graphic design and event planning. 

I feel like a cat sometimes who has lived 7 of her 9 lives.  I have had many happy seasons of life and I have had very painful ones just like everyone in this world.  There is also a journey I would like to share that I have been on for the past 8 years...Infertility.  I want to help give insight into this world and help other women who are fighting this battle. We are still hoping for our miracle baby and exploring all options including adoption.  So many of my entries will be about this journey.  I also want to talk about church and ministry topics/perspectives from a pastor and his wife.  And there are the stories of my friends and family members who have inspired me into who I am that I will be posting as well.  What I have learned about life is that everyone has a story to tell.  I am looking forward to exploring this blogging world and meet new people. I hope I will get to hear tales of your personal quests as well. Let's be friends!