My Hubby Valentine

It's hard during the holidays not to notice cutesy kid things everywhere.  Right now it's the week of Valentine's Day and kiddo love is all around.  From adorable cards for classmates to baby awwww inducing heart covered onesies.  It's enough to make any woman's maternal instincts kick into overdrive.  I may not have little ones to make heart crafts and goodies with but I am still a very blessed woman. I have the best valentine in the world, my husband.  We have been through so much since we have been married and I am so glad he is my partner in crime.  In this entry I want to give you a few tips we've learned along the way that have helped strengthen our relationship when dealing with infertility and tough times in general.  I would love to receive advice and tips from any of you as well.  Please feel free to leave them in the comment section.  

1. Be a team. Infertility can cause you to become isolated from everyone around you and your spouse is no exception.  Because the infertility falls to my biological makeup I tend to personalize it in our marriage.  I feel that because I am the one getting most of the tests and treatments that it's my burden to bear.  It's not.  He is going through all the same emotions and affects of infertility as I am. You can spend extra energy playing a blame game or who has it worse but unfortunately infertility leaves the scoreboard tied.  You both are suffering a loss.

Steve and I have had to learn to work together in all aspects of our life.  In ministry and owning our own business we have had to learn to be a team.  Since we opened the bakery we are still striving to balance each other when dealing with stress and difficult times.  There are days that I am sad and he just listens to me and tries his best to comfort me.  Validation of feelings does wonders for grief.  Steve knows he doesn't have to always have a solution that I just need to talk it out.  Then there are days that he is so stressed and overwhelmed at work that it's my turn to be his cheerleader.  To tell him how proud I am of him and tell him to keep going. We have to keep communication open with each other and be willing to be honest and share our fears, frustrations and desires.  It's ok to tell your spouse how you are feeling and to tell them what you need from them too.  If it's a situation we can fix then we strive to and if is something we can't we know we are in it together no matter the outcome.

So what about the days you both may be down, stressed or let's be honest angry with the lot you've been dealt.  Then those are the times you choose to do something together to get you out of the fog.  Plan a trip, go see a funny movie, take a walk outside or even take a nap.  Depression and stress can exhaust you and sometimes the two of you just need sleep. I am also a huge fan of going to see a counselor.  Counseling is a good thing for any marriage at any stage.  The point is to do it together.  Don't leave your partner behind.  Remember God paired you with your spouse because you were better together than you would ever be apart.

2. Never stop communicating.  It is always a great idea to keep your communication open about infertility treatments and goals/plans but be sure that's not all you talk about.  Set a time limit. Maybe it's once a week you have the conversation about it.  Do a weekly check-up of where you are in pursuing a family and what your next step is.  There were seasons where are emotions were so raw that it was a once a month discussion.  I just want to encourage you to talk about other things.  You may not be having fertility issues but just in an "off" season where you don't seem to be connecting with your spouse.  In any marriage we can get wrapped up into talking about work, schedules, family problems, financial worries and so much more you forget to talk about intimate things.  It becomes harder to have the kind of conversations you had when you were dating when neither one of you wanted to hang up the phone or say goodbye after a date.  Take the time to talk and pursue each other.  If anything I have learned in almost ten years of marriage there is still so much to learn about my husband.  When we are in the car together for long periods of time I like to ask him about all the years of his life before me.  I love when I get opportunities to just pick his brain about his childhood, life, politics, God stuff and more.  We often try to reminisce on how and when we knew we loved each other or how we first met.  Walks down memory lane are great for your relationship.  We all need to be reminded of the reasons we fell in love and allow ourselves to find more reasons we continue to fall in love with them every day. The next time you know that you are going to have your spouse's undivided attention for 10 minutes or more come up with some questions to ask each other.  You don't have to do them all in one sitting you can do 2 or 3 at a time and then store the others up for a date night or road trip.  Here are just a few examples:

-Name one significant childhood memory of your mom and/or dad.
-What was the worst job you had as a teenager/college student?
-Who was your favorite teacher and why?
-If you could be a super hero what would your super power be and why?
-If there was one thing you could go back in time and change what would it be?
-If $ were no obstacle what would your dream job/house/life look like?
-What was your favorite board game or sport to play as a child?
-What was your most embarrassing moment growing up?

3.  Don't sweat the small stuff! Sometimes it's a gradual process where I start to fixate on things. In my constant quest for control (since I can't control my fertility) I begin to look at situations and people around me.  I become frustrated, easily angered, jealous and let me just be honest I turn into a bitter, barren shrew.  And just like in all situations in life we tend to deal with difficult situations by lashing out the ones we love the most.  Unfortunately, Steve is the regular victim of this alternate personality of mine. When facing the urge to get upset over the socks being left on the floor or the empty toilet roll being left on the holder take a minute before becoming the wicked witch of domestics.  The best advice my mother gave me when I first got married was not to sweat the small stuff.  At the time those socks and that toilet paper doesn't seem small but in the overall grand scheme of love and marriage it is.  Part of this advice from my mom was also to stop criticizing and think about all the reasons you love your husband.  Does he show you he loves you?  Does he provide for you and your family?  What are the qualities about him that you admire?  Even recently God has been dealing with my heart on getting frustrated with the small things.  When picking up the house I am praising God that I have a house to clean and husband who loves me.  I am thankful that I have a hard working man that is a provider who helps buy that toilet paper and those socks.  It's all about perspective.  I also try to focus on the fact that Steve still comes home to me every night after 10 years of putting up with my ever-changing, hormone induced mood swings which makes me the lucky one.  He loves me despite my failings and character flaws and he deserves the same grace and forgiveness in return.

Recognize that infertility or pain can and will funnel its way into every facet of your life.  The anger and frustration you may feel over something someone did or said (or the socks) can be amplified because of the hardship you are going through.  You are prone to super sensitivity during this time whether it's medication induced or bad decisions of those around you. As always in life we can't control what happens to us but we can always control how we deal with it and respond.  Don't fall into the trap of being critical when dealing with your pain.  Hurt people have a tendency to hurt people so make the decision not to be a villain especially when it comes to your spouse.  I know that Steve is dealing with his own hurt whether he shows it or not and I don't need to be an additional source of pain.

4. Connect physically on a daily basis.  Sex is a very important part of marriage and is a gift from God for us to share with our spouse but that is not the connection I am referring to.  I am talking about physically connecting with each other daily through a hug, a kiss, a back scratch, holding each other's hands, or even sitting close to each other.   Again we all live such busy lives that it is easy to get wrapped up in the going that we forget to make contact with our spouse.  Never underestimate the healing power of a hug.  I know as a woman I have a great need to feel secure and to know that my husband finds me attractive.  Prioritizing affection is a way to help meet those needs regularly and most (if not all) men want to feel needed physically as well.  Looking back on the hardest times of our marriage when we were off track I can identify the first disconnect began when we stopped touching each other.  We have always worked more than one job since we've known each other and it's common for us to even in our down time to be working on our computers or coming up with ways to advance our business.  Steve and I started going to bed early not to sleep (stay with me now I'm not getting weird) but to give us the chance to disconnect from work, social media & all electrical devices and just focus on each other.  Sometimes it's our time to talk and catch up from the day but most times it's just to snuggle for a few minutes before slipping into a coma.  Now I know if you have kids what you are saying, "That just isn't possible for us because of the kids." One of my former bosses told me years ago that he and his wife put their 3 children to bed between 7 & 7:30 PM through elementary school.  Not because their kids needed the extra sleep but they needed that time to connect as husband and wife.  Even if it was to watch TV together on the same couch and pass out.  It wasn't always possible for that to happen but it was a daily goal of theirs.  As your children get older I am sure you will have even more of a challenge. If you have any suggestions of your own please feel free to leave them in the comment section so I can store them away for the future!

Thank you for reading this post and I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day!

Shout Louder!

Matthew 20:29-34  Two Blind Men Receive Sight

29  As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. 

30 Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!”

31 The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!”

32 Jesus stopped and called them. “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked.

33 “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.”

34  Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

Steve recently preached out of this passage and it has really stuck with me lately.  This story is one of many that shows the compassion Jesus has for all of us.   The blind men were sitting outside the city gate because they weren’t necessarily welcomed in because of their condition.  When they heard that Jesus was near they began to shout.  They were desperate and pleading for a miracle.  I envision these two men asking the people around them where is he and asking them to direct them how to get close to Jesus.  It would not have been an easy task and I would imagine frustrating. Being blind-I am sure they had to keep their ears open for every sound so they wouldn't lose track of Him. They were bold, persistent and loud.  Even after shouting the crowd tried to silence them they chose to shout louder.  Not only were these two blind men determined for Jesus to hear their shouts they were expectant of Him to heal them.  They were intentional in their their prayer and knew what they wanted-their sight. I love that these men didn’t waste time with many words but got straight to the point. 

Jesus did the same thing when he stopped and asked “What do you want me to do for you?”  Jesus asked the question that had an obvious answer.  He could see that these men were blind, but he wanted them to state their request.  Jesus wanted these men to specifically ask what they desired to show their faith and what they were believing He could do.  This is still true today and although God knows our every need and desire we have before we speak it, He still instructs us to articulate specific requests.  In Thessalonians 5:17 He tells us to “pray without ceasing.”  In Philippians 4:6 we are told “...present your requests to God.”  In Mark 11:24 Jesus says “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Going back to the crowd trying to hush these two blind men I started thinking about what could have happened to them.  I imagine them telling these men things like “SSSSHHHHH you are embarrassing yourself!”  or “Jesus has more important things to do than to pay attention to you!”  Maybe there were even people in the crowd that told the two blind men that Jesus couldn’t or wouldn’t heal them.  What if these men would have listened?  Would they have been healed that day?  Or would they have spent the rest of their days being outcasts and begging in the streets for hand outs?  

I feel like there are seasons in my life that I have allowed the crowd to silence me.  Not just in the past 8 years praying for a miracle through infertility but in other areas of my life.  The times I have allowed the crowd in my head which were words directly from the enemy telling me to be quiet.  The voices that say “You’ve prayed for so long and it hasn’t happened so it never will” or to just give up altogether.  I don’t want to listen to the crowd any more.  I want to cry out to God to heal me and when it doesn’t happen I’m going to shout louder!  God is still the same God that healed the blind, raised the dead and so much more.  He isn’t limited to the stories and time frames of the Bible. God is still able to reconcile your marriage, heal you from cancer and even improve your financial situation. He is still the same today and wants to answer our prayers and give us the desires of our heart.  The bible is full of scriptures that promise us this.  

No matter what you are going through today and what you are believing God to do in your life don’t give up.  Shout to God and when the enemy comes in or even the people around you to discourage you or silence you SHOUT LOUDER! Be specific in your requests and what you are asking of Him to do in your life. Shout your requests to God but also believe that He will answer you.  Keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting because your miracle is on the way.  When your prayer is finally answered you be able to look back on this season and see all the victories in your life because you didn’t give up and God was faithful.  

Don't press pause

The waiting game of infertility.  You’re living life in slow motion waiting for test results, ovulation, various treatments, to start the cycle over...more waiting. In the beginning of infertility you are on a quest to find out any and all information you can find as you should.  You need to educate yourself and find out all of your options.  However, it can quickly become an obsession. You can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t talk about or do anything else. It’s like you're frozen.  Your dreams of a baby are on hold for an indefinite amount of time but your life isn’t. Doing these things can help you keep living no matter what the outcome this journey will be:

Dream. I encourage you to dream.  Our lives are made up of dreams, wishes and expectations.  Before you began this quest for a baby you had other dreams.  Whether it was to travel, get various college degrees, learn to speak another language, become a rapper...something.  Now is the time to make those dreams come true and even create some new ones.

Travel. Travel as much and as often as you can.  I know with the ever rising costs of fertility treatments or if you are saving money for adoption your vacation options are limited.  Get away with your spouse even if it’s a Priceline hotel special an hour away from where you live.  Take a car ride-see the giant ball of twine in Kansas, largest ketchup bottle in Illinois or tallest filing cabinet in Vermont.  Sometimes it’s just good to get away even if it’s just for the day with your spouse or a group of friends.  One unforgettable trip Steve and I took was with three other married couples for White Water Rafting. We all had a limited budget so we found a campsite that had cabins where you could stay for $8 a person per night.  Now it was VERY rustic and looked like it was a set from a horror movie.  It was isolated and deep in the woods and each room consisted of bunk beds.  The bathroom was an outhouse a good 5 minute walk from the cabin and when night came it was dark and the woods were full of noises.  It was so scary that we ended up sharing a room with one of the couples who are very close and dear friends.  We survived the night and our fear by laughing and talking.  The next day we went white water rafting and drove home.  That is by far one of the most fun times in my life and it barely cost $100 for the two of us. 

Learn. Learn something new. We took a much needed break from fertility treatments four years ago.  Infertility had done some serious damage to us emotionally, worn us out physically and our marriage was on the fragile side because we had also taken a break from ministry.  I needed another coping mechanism so I signed up for a few classes at a community college that fit with my work schedule.  I can’t tell you what a great distraction it was during that time.  I couldn’t control when and how I could get pregnant but I could control whether I could get an A on an assignment or an F.  I couldn’t control the sadness and disappointment Steve and I felt but I could control what I was learning.  I would be thrilled each time I made a good grade. It made me feel like a normal human being.  I could blend in for a little while too with my pain undetected. It also allowed me to meet new people and I'm being candid in admitting it was good to have shallow friendships with people where my fertility didn’t come into conversation.  It kept me from being completely isolated but distant enough to feel secure. Then regaining the excitement of learning was also another emotional boost.  We should always challenge ourselves to learn new things, read books and keep growing. 

Create.  What are your hobbies and interests? Don’t have any?  Get some!  The world of Pinterest and Youtube tutorials has opened up so many doors for the non-crafty that anyone can make a milk carton into a pirate ship or something like that.  I love to draw and paint.  The nights that I am having a hard time sleeping or need something to do other than worry I like to get artsy-craftsy.  I love this quote by Joss Whedon:

Just create something. If you are good at something like jewelry, knitting or pottery I would even encourage you to think about selling it.  You could set up an Etsy shop because again fertility treatments and adoption ain't cheap!  That is how the bakery began for us as an additional source of income for that very reason.  You will be surprised how healing it can be to create or finish something.  You don't have to make crafts or some museum worthy art piece.  You can learn to cook or bake better. Start keeping a journal, taking pictures of cats, run a marathon or even a DIY home improvement project. A few years ago some friends and I trained and ran a 5k. I am not athletic nor had I ever ran before so to say it was hard is putting it lightly. But the feeling I felt crossing the finish line with my friends was indescribable. I was able to cross something off my bucket list. The sense of accomplishment you'll get when completing projects will help ease the anxiety of waiting.  

One of my all time favorite quotes is “It’s never too late to become what you might have been.”  It’s never too late for us to dream.  Make a list right now if you haven’t already of non-baby related goals for this year or your life long bucket list. I’m not saying give up or get distracted from fertility treatments just have other focuses too. When you finally receive your answer to prayers you won’t always (or ever) have the time to go after certain dreams.  Not that you’ll mind the sacrifice! And if you never have children of your own, you will still have a life full of photos, memories, friendships and accomplishments that many others never have.  You’re hopes of having a family are on on pause but you life isn’t.  Go live. Stop reading this blog and do something!